you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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