Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
