mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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