i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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