He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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