I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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