I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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