I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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