if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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