Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
