I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
even my farts smell like vagina
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
