I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
