Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
