R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
