He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
