don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
