Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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