Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
