We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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