I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
