The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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