Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
