awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
