maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
