Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
