i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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