My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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