I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
false alarm, still single
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