Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
