My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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