She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
