We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
