I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
