he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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