just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
