she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You need Xanax blowdarts
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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