i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
You made out with two different species that night
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
