Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
