I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
