In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
