did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
