Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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