I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
