Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
