She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
