i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
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