My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
