90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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