Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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