Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
