I should be sponsored by Trojan
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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