when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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