I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
