apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
