So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
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Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
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Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
And then my night got REAL pukey
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.