I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
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Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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