Will you blow on my dice?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
