So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
