My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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