u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
