Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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